Hello, Internet

An audible sigh escapes my coffee-stained lips as I peruse yet another suspicious Facebook quiz. It has been two days and I haven’t left the cave-like dwelling in which my bed resides. In tune with this holiday season, there is nothing more meaningful than knowing that if you’re a Capricorn you’ll have an insurmountable fear of couscous in the up-and-coming New Year, or that Geminis secretly hate anything to do with Dora the Explorer (though, don’t we all?). Thank you, oh dear internet. Thank you for all that you bring to my table of technology this winter.

You’re not just a platform to answer all of humanity’s nagging yet often ridiculous questions, you are a force to be reckoned with. From elaborate fact-producing websites, to slightly less educational ones like Club Penguin, you offer the world endless entertainment. You offer a wild array of unlimited communication and educational opportunities. Without you, there would be no places to find new recipes, concert tickets, or custom cardboard cutouts for that special someone. Without you, I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the Kardashians, or spend countless hours researching Leonardo DiCaprio conspiracy theories.

You bask in the glory of such celebrities, sharing their achievements with the world. Uncountable likes and shares and tweets pass through your convoluted depths each and everyday searching for a host. Searches eventually magnify those in the shadows, and the glorification of the less lawful societal members brings us to a road less traveled by. The Silk Road, a path unbeknownst to many throws us into the deep, dark web. You’ve lead me astray, oh dear internet. You’ve lead me to a frightening realm that blurs the lines between the internet world and the tangible one. Take me back to Buzzfeed quizzes. Take me back to my Micheal Bublé Christmas playlist on Spotify. Back to the icy cliffs of the comforting world of Club Penguin. Leave me oblivious, like so many, to the errs of our world. Allow me to release myself from your all-knowing grasp.

You see, you are the ultimate power in this world. I can’t possibly imagine life without you. I can’t possibly imagine what I don’t yet know about you, what I don’t want to know. For now, I shall leave you be. The steady beat you emit from my speakers entices me and I’ll resume my unaware Amazon perusing. Thank you, dear internet. Thank you for the good and the bad. Thank you for keeping us blissfully happy, yet uncomfortably unaware of the iniquitous ways of humanity.

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